Oculuar-Neuro Correlations: Another Breakthrough from MIT

Our scientist friends over at Manitoba Institute of Technology (MIT) are at it again! The geniuses that brought us the intelligent font “(S)elect Ultra” have teamed up with the folks at the Association of Neurologically Underdeveloped Somatypes (ANUS) to bring us new developments in the relationship between certain ocular deficiencies and neurological conditions related to the frontal lobes and, to a lesser extent, the temporal lobes of the brain. Recent studies have established connections between the eye and the brain due primarily to the proximity of the optic nerve to the frontal lobes. Brain cells affected by various neurological disorders can seep into the fluids of the optic nerve causing ever so slight gradations in optic capabilities.

Dr. Edwin Hartke of MIT described the importance of these findings. “I cannot overstate the significance of what we have here. We’ve been able, through extensive research, to isolate various subtle imperfections in vision and connect them with the onset of neurological disease. What this means is that we are becoming more and more proficient at detecting various neuralgic and psychosomatic problems through highly calibrated ocular tests.” Since the frontal lobes of the brain control many of the most important human functions–the ability to sympathize with others, the ability to understand humor, the recognition of deception, the ability to organize sequences of events, the ability to perform learned tasks–this breakthrough has significant consequences.

 

FOUR TESTS

MIT has graciously permitted us to publish four of their new ocular tests here for the first time. In their research, these tests have achieved an accuracy rate of 97% or higher, and they show just a snapshot of the immense possibilities at stake here.

Before moving to the tests, we must first determine that your vision is proficient, both in terms of eyesight and in terms of color discernment. These tests are highly calibrated, so this first step is important. Stare at the box just below for 10 seconds. If at any moment you see a number emerging inside the box, your eyes are not suited for the following tests. (If you see a “6”, you may have some slight color identification deficiency. If you see a “9” overlapping with a “2”, see your ophthalmologist immediately!)

 

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If no number emerged in the box above, congratulations! You are ready to proceed with Test #1

 

TEST #1 – DYSGRAPHIA TEST

“Dysgraphia” is a neurological disorder that causes a deficiency in the ability to read and write. A person with such a disorder develops an inability of equating graphemes in written language with letters and usually develops impaired handwriting. Such people also have difficulty thinking and writing simultaneously.

The test below is simple but requires good lighting (be sure your monitor’s brightness level is turned up to a high level) and a modicum of concentration. After reading these directions in full, scroll down to the box below. Stare inside the box for 30 seconds. If at any time you begin to see a faint green “4”, then you may be experiencing the onset of dysgraphia. The “4” may only subtly emerge from the textured foreground, but even the slightest detection of it reflects the disorder. Remember, these tests are 97% accurate. Good luck!

 

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TEST #2 – APRAXIA TEST

“Apraxia” is a disorder that manifests itself in the inability to carry out learned behaviors. In such people, the desire to carry out learned behaviors is present but the ability is lacking. Those with “verbal apraxia” (also known as dyspraxia) usually speak with numerous articulatory errors. While some patients with verbal apraxia recover from their speech difficulties spontaneously, the majority require intensive speech therapy.

In the blank box below, if a pink “7” slightly emerges at any time within 30 seconds, chances are that you have apraxia. If the “7” emerges in a faint yellowish hue, you are likely suffering from “verbal apraxia.” If nothing emerges beyond the textured surface, well done! Move on to test #3.

 

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TEST #3: CAPGRAS DELUSION TEST

Congratulations! You’ve passed the first two tests. Now for the Capgras test. A person with the “Capgras Delusion” believes that a family member or friend has been replaced with an imposter or a “double.” This is a disorder affected by the temporal lobes, and since these lobes are further away from the optic nerve, the visual symptomology is slightly rarer. Still, those failing the test below develop the Capgras Syndrome in 98% of all cases.

You may see a blue “2” overlapping another number within the first 15 seconds. If that other number is a green “8”, you may simply be experiencing a level of ocular degeneration. However, if you see an orange “5” along with the blue “2”, you are one of those rare folks with the Capgras Delusion. See a doctor.

If you see a green 8 or nothing at all (besides a textured foreground), let’s move on to test #4!

 

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TEST #4: DEMENTIA TEST

Great! If you’re still reading and haven’t run out to your nearest ophthalmologist, neurologist or psychiatrist, then you’re ready for the final test! “Dementia”, as we know, affects memory, communication, the ability to pay attention, abilities of reasoning and judgment, and visual perception. The symptoms and degrees can, however, vary widely within patients of dementia.

The test below registers probability and degree of dementia. Those who are “low risk” (who still may experience mild dementia should they live into their 90s) will once again see nothing at all in the box below. Those with “medium low” risk can vaguely make out a purple “3” within about 20 seconds. (Again, be sure to stare for 30 seconds.) These people may experience a modicum of dementia in their 80s. Those with a “medium high” risk of dementia will see a purple “3” that flashes at a relaxed steady pace of about once every 2 seconds. These “medium high” folks will likely develop dementia tendencies in their late 60s or 70s. For those with a “very high” risk will see the pulsing purple “3” at a rate faster than one per second. In short, the pulse rate of these 3s is directly proportional to the degree of dementia. On rare occasions, those with “off-the-chart” levels of dementia potential will see colors other than purple. Such people have already developed elevated levels of dementia (which is most assuredly already obvious to everyone around them). These poor souls should enjoy whatever normal life joys they have while they can!

Good luck!

 

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Stup-o-meters

Hello, folks! Well, here we are heading into March once again, which can only mean one thing: it’s time for our annual review of newly released inanity-detection products—and there have been a number of impressive developments this year worth discussing!

In times past, in order to determine just how stupid some people are, you had to actually talk to them, be around them, smell their breath, or perform any number of archaic activities of social interaction such as chatting about the weather. Not anymore! Thanks to impressive advances made by many of the leading companies in the electronic technology industry, such dreadful socializing is no longer possible. Below, I will describe some of these new inventions and provide you with an overall evaluation with each product, complete with a grade.

First, let me introduce an interesting new product from VIBA Technologies: the Tri-scope X-ray 3RB. This device comes in an elegant black and blue casing for very discreet nighttime utilization. Point the 3RB at your target and the three scopes immediately go to work. The top one functions as a long-range breathalyzer. The two below it work as a set, detecting (in stereo) audio waves from speech.  These waves are then translated by the device and fed through a grammatico-lexical embedded program registering the overall stupidity of conversation.

One drawback with the 3RB that has gained it a share of detractors is the limited number of languages of the grammatico-lexical program, being capable only to recognize English, Farsi, and Swedish. VIBA promises an expanded compatibility, but detractors are not holding their breath. Product comes with a convenient shoulder rest for accurate aim. Price: $1,599.00

Grade: B-

If you find the 3RB to be too pricey, there are two new options on the market that are easier on the pocketbook. The Flange MiniTemp Meter from RayTec and the Directional X2000 Gun from Gatwick & Marsh are roughly equivalent products with only minor differences in capabilities. Both register inanity by the following highly-calibrated calculation: the degree of irregularity in the shape of the target’s head is multiplied to the degree of oafishness in the target’s gait, the product of which is then divided by the degree of lack in self-consciousness when dialoguing with others. This is finally translated into the Buford scale of utter stupidity, a measurement that is quickly becoming standardized in the field.

These products are on the cheaper end, and therefore come with certain drawbacks. The X2000 must be plugged in which limits its usability in outdoor settings. Its receptor strength is also reportedly weak. While the MiniTemp runs on batteries, its problem is its head-shape reading inaccuracies, a problem attributed to its smaller ray spread. Both are usable products, but you get what you pay for here. MiniTemp Price: $399.00. X2000 Price: $369.00.

Grade: C

One of the strongest new products is the Doltometer 7 from Cassius & Co. This ingenious device is equipped with tubbing filled with (undisclosed) gasses which undergo subtle reactions in proportion to the instrument’s proximity to stupidity. These delicate reactions are read by the Doltometer’s internal sensors (through a process too complicated to describe here), which then transmit a high-pitched warning signal. The frequency of pitch rises according to the proximity to the stupidity and the decibel level rises according to the level of stupidity. The obvious drawbacks to earlier models of this product were the inconspicuousness and overall annoyance of its signal. So Cassius & Co. has installed a floating ball meter that can be read in place of the high-pitched signal. This is a quality product, though you’ll have to pay a pretty penny for it. Strongly recommended! Price: $2879.00

Grade: A

Built by Russian engineers, the Rodion PFN61 (affectionately known as the “Igor Monster”) is not for the lightweight. This top of the line product is unparalleled in terms of its accuracy and the breadth of its sensory powers. It accurately detects 23 different stupidity elements including pomposity, lack of self-consciousness, boorishness, foulness of odor, dimwittedness, humorlessness, and herd-like mentality. If the PFN61 has a problem, it is its poor range. This 42-inch rifle shaped mechanism must be placed within 10 feet of its target and must be directed head on. Furthermore, the target must be still for a minimum of 5 seconds for accurate readings of all 23 stupidity elements. Fortunately, Rodion engineers have given the “Igor Monster” a tripod stand for accurate aim. I look forward to seeing upgrades on this wonderful product! Price: $4500.00.

Grade: A-

Finally, we see the camera-company Nikon getting in on the action with its new MD-400 Stupifier. Unfortunately, Nikon is having to play catch-up in a crowded field and it shows. Nikon claims the MD-400 can detect any jackass within miles, but numerous reports are surfacing about its inability to detect anything at all. The MD-400’s wide sensory panels look impressive and are meant to record any speech laced with stupid comments, but its red flashing siren has on numerous occasions failed to activate in the presence of obvious inanity. (There is even a report that the Doltometer 7 detected the stupidity of this very product!) The packaging here is excellent—its disguise as camera equipment is particularly promising—but pass on the MD-400 until Nikon can produce a better product. Price: $1999.00.

Grade: F

Exciting year for the industry with exciting new products! I can’t wait to see what 2012 brings us as we look to stoop-proof our lives completely!

The Gas Fountain of Youth

Seven years ago, while experimenting with tear gas enhancement for undisclosed foreign militaries and militias, Berkley chemist Dr. Filber Gusticals inadvertently combined nitro helium (NHe) and sulfur trioxide (SO3). Though he and his lab were incinerated, his assistant, [now Dr.] Steve Glub, managed to recover the documentation via a covert foreign governmental network. Dr. Glub established Legends Technologies, Inc. and began conducting routine experiments in an underground bunker. During this time, Dr. Glub discovered that he was not aging. After undergoing multiple analyses from world renown scientists, it was determined that this gaseous mixture of NHe and SO3 was the cause of this anti-aging. This new gas was then named Nihilsultriox, or Nihil^TM for short.

We here at Legends Technologies, Inc. are proud to announce that the proverbial Fountain of Youth is now a reality. Here we unveil for the first time, and free of charge for a limited time, a conduit to eternal youth: Nihil^TM via your computer. Follow the instructions below to tap into this conduit to eternal youth.

Instructions:

Below you will find a flange. This flange, though seemingly merely an image on your screen, is a functioning conduit for accessing Nihil^TM. Though this service is free, you will need to purchase one LTI 3″ female flange [part number Nih3-fem] and one LTI mask and accompanying 2″ long hose [part number Nih-mh]. You will also need a corded drill, a 3/8″ carbon steel drill bit, four 3/8″ bolts and matching flat and lock washers, and a magic marker.

With your magic marker, accurately and clearly trace the circumferences of the holes of our flange onto your computer screen. Next, drill holes into your computer screen where your marks indicate. (Your computer screen will probably go black at this point, which is why we have you accurately trace those holes. Your computer screen will come back on when you turn the drill off. We promise.) Next, mount your LTI 3″ female flange to the screen with the four 3/8″ bolts and washers. (These need not be too tight.) Next, snap the mask onto the hose, and the hose onto the newly-mounted flange. (This should be fairly obvious, as the hose is specifically keyed to align with the respective parts.) With the mask firmly in place, simultaneously press the CTRL, ALT, SHIFT, CAPS LOCK, and DELETE keys for 35 seconds.

Congratulations! You are now breathing Nihil^TM, the gaseous emissions from The Fountain of Youth! Live long, friends!

[Disclaimer: LTI takes absolutely no responsibility for any damages suffered to users’ devices and/or persons while preparing to use and/or using our products during this risk-free limited time offer.]

James Freegindecker

LTI Spokesperson and Eternal Youth

Aaaooooooooooooooooooggg!

 

AUGUST 3, 1989:

 

Inning #1:

In the first inning alone, the pitcher was 1 for 2, Quinones was 2 for 3, Griffey Sr. was 2 for 2 with two runs and four RBIs, the Reds were 16 for 19, which included a 16 for 17 stretch. The only players not to have two hits were the pitcher Browning and shortstop Mariano Duncan (who reached base twice with a walk and a double)!!

Sheer Brilliance!

I love the effect of the drum solo @ 1:23. It’s almost as if someone forgot to turn the drum machine off. Wonderful subtlety!

Is that David Grisman @ 1:32? I’m going to sell my piano and buy a mandolin so that I can learn that break. Sheer brilliance! I only wish the recording engineer had lowered the mandolin level a bit. Far too hot!

Brilliant ending with the guitar’s intricate tuplets @ 2:07 followed by the mandolin’s syncopation @ 2:09!! Very sophisticated stuff! Way ahead of their time!

When where and when were?

Yesterday, the National Basketball Association’s house linguist admitted to a rather embarrassing turn of events that took center stage on the front page of their website. In the afternoon, here is what an online visitor would have seen:

For any linguist worth his salt who knows the true etymology of the helping verb “be,” this entirely accurate use of the 2nd singular past/plural past tense “were” by the good folks at NBA is hardly a surprise. The adjectival “right” here is used to modify the subject, “he.” The elegantly poetic flipping of predicate adjective and subject was lost on many viewers who accused the NBA of misspellings. They were perhaps thrown for a loop by the phrase “wants ’em.” They undoubtedly took the “want” to mean “to desire to possess” rather than the intended meaning, “lacking something desirable.” Therefore, the misunderstanding of the phrase “Right were we want ’em” was compounded by this confusion. The NBA, assuming a much more intelligent readership, overshot themselves on this one, as the true meaning of the phrase (He, Dwyane Wade, were right! And they, the Mavericks, were found wanting!) was completely lost.

The embarrassment came later in the day when Stu Jackson, NBA Executive VP, admitted to yielding under the pressure and revising the poetic headline by dumbing it down. The use of a contraction in the word “them” was apparently not enough colloquializing for the general public. Here is what an online viewer would have seen a few hours later:

Shame on Mr. Jackson for caving in to the masses. It is this kind of unethical and shameful journalism that only reinforces the continued stripping of high culture from every nook and cranny of our society. Not only is the elegance of the phrase entirely stripped, the original intended meaning has been changed, with the modified, near-slanderous version making Mr. Wade out to be some kind of big-headed, arrogant jock.

Next, we will look into the alleged mispronunciations of the name “Dwyane” on the part of the NBA orators and rhetoricians that fill broadcasting booths.

[Update: Some readers have noticed the clever use of double entendre in the word “were” in “He were right.” The word’s primary use, as stated earlier, is the past tense of “be,” while it could also be taken as a subtle reference to the Old English “wer,” meaning “man” (as in “Werewolf” or “Manwolf”). “He were right” therefore means, “He the man! Right on!” It is a true shame, nay a travesty, that this kind of delightful cleverness is lost on such a wide population!]

If there ever was a phrase…

…one of these might be it:

1. Sugar signs for the bags and Frank.

2. For not to exceed more or less.

3. Wonders: the makers of synonymy.

4. Signal mingle swindle for single dongle angle fink-a-dinkle.

5. A fortnight… a morsel.

6. Wait to pause for biding time to linger and tarry until stalling for patience.

7. Merchk, merchk, merchk.

8. Saddle paddles on monkey wonkles postal coastal toasted roasts the mostest.

9. Iffy corn barrel wow lerrab nroc yffI.

Bert and Ernie II

See the “Bert and Ernie” post for an explanation.

TRANSLATION
1 Bert: Hernias.
2 Ernie: Bert.
3 Bert: Ah, hernias. What it makes it with this biscotti in accordance with? Huh?
4 Ernie: Ah, biscotti? I only had the hunger well, Bert, in the way this that I thought to the side of the connections of biscotti, before you were to sleep, on.
5 Bert: The hernias, do not eat biscotti, when you will be in its base. Huh?
6 Ernie: Why not, Bert?
7 Bert: Since that you receive to crumbs in the layers. C’ it is for, of what.
8 Ernie: Gee, Bert? I you receive to crumbs in the layers?
9 Bert: Yes, the hernias. And if the crumbs are in the layers, reach in its pajamas.
10 Ernie: Ah, crumbs in pajamas of the mine, Bert?
11 Bert: Yes and as you, forms it bread of these capacities in its pajamas you this that sounds. They know this.
12 Ernie: Ah and not as the tingle me, Bert.
13 Bert: The number and if you to the hernias are tingle to sleep not possible it. He does not have this. Approval?
14 Ernie: Ah, Gee. If I eat biscotti in accordance with, consequently I receive crumbs in my layers. If I you receive to crumbs in the layers, biscotti in pajamas of the mine you reach. If biscotti in pajamas of the mine reach, itch the I. Are not then possible the end to sleep. Ah, Bert. Debtor, in the way this I stop to eat biscotti in my base.
15 Bert: To the hernias of the favor. Only to the gone base. Approval?
16 Ernie: Approval. I never not yet eat biscotti in my base.
17 Bert: Approval, spendthrift. Hernias, of that you make?
18 Ernie: I eat biscotti in the relative base, Bert. Movement!

Bert and Ernie

Below is a demonstration of what happens when you translate a simple text using Yahoo!’s Babel Fish translator multiple times in different languages. You will first see the original dialogue. Then you will see a final translation resulting from the following string of translations: Original English – Dutch – English – French – English – German – English – Italian – English – Portuguese – English. (I only made minor modifications at each step when the intermediate English translations did not recognize words.)

ORIGINAL VERSION
1 Bert: Ernie.
2 Ernie: Yes, Bert.
3 Bert: Oh, Ernie. What are you doing with those cookies in bed? Huh?
4 Ernie: Oh, the cookies? Well, I was just hungry, Bert, so I thought I would have a few cookies before I went to sleep.
5 Bert: Ernie, don’t eat those cookies while you are in your bed. Huh?
6 Ernie: Why not, Bert?
7 Bert: Because you get crumbs in the sheets. That’s why.
8 Ernie: Gee, Bert? I get crumbs in the sheets?
9 Bert: Yeah, Ernie, and if there are crumbs in the sheets, they will get in your pajamas.
10 Ernie: Oh, crumbs in my pajamas Bert?
11 Bert: Yeah, and if you get crumbs in your pajamas, they will make you itch. You know that.
12 Ernie: Oh, I don’t like to itch, Bert.
13 Bert: No. And if you itch, you won’t be able to sleep, Ernie. So don’t do it. Okay?
14 Ernie: Oh, Gee. If I eat the cookies in bed, then I get crumbs in my sheets. And if I get crumbs in the sheets, I will get crumbs in my pajamas. And if I get crumbs in my pajamas, I will itch. Then I won’t be able to sleep. Oh, Bert. Thank you so much for stopping me from eating cookies in my bed.
15 Bert: Alright, Ernie. Just go to bed. Okay?
16 Ernie: Okay. I am never going to eat cookies in my bed again.
17 Bert: Okay, good. Ernie, what are you doing?
18 Ernie: I’m going to eat cookies in your bed, Bert. Move over!

TRANSLATION
1 Bert: Hernias.
2 Ernie: Bert.
3 Bert: Ah, hernias. What it makes it with this biscotti in accordance with? Huh?
4 Ernie: Ah, biscotti? I only had the hunger well, Bert, in the way this that I thought to the side of the connections of biscotti, before you were to sleep, on.
5 Bert: The hernias, do not eat biscotti, when you will be in its base. Huh?
6 Ernie: Why not, Bert?
7 Bert: Since that you receive to crumbs in the layers. C’ it is for, of what.
8 Ernie: Gee, Bert? I you receive to crumbs in the layers?
9 Bert: Yes, the hernias. And if the crumbs are in the layers, reach in its pajamas.
10 Ernie: Ah, crumbs in pajamas of the mine, Bert?
11 Bert: Yes and as you, forms it bread of these capacities in its pajamas you this that sounds. They know this.
12 Ernie: Ah and not as the tingle me, Bert.
13 Bert: The number and if you to the hernias are tingle to sleep not possible it. He does not have this. Approval?
14 Ernie: Ah, Gee. If I eat biscotti in accordance with, consequently I receive crumbs in my layers. If I you receive to crumbs in the layers, biscotti in pajamas of the mine you reach. If biscotti in pajamas of the mine reach, itch the I. Are not then possible the end to sleep. Ah, Bert. Debtor, in the way this I stop to eat biscotti in my base.
15 Bert: To the hernias of the favor. Only to the gone base. Approval?
16 Ernie: Approval. I never not yet eat biscotti in my base.
17 Bert: Approval, spendthrift. Hernias, of that you make?
18 Ernie: I eat biscotti in the relative base, Bert. Movement!

Recipe: A Delicious Summer Beverage!

Here is my own recipe for a cool delicious summer treat!

Ingredients: Beef Bullion Cubes (7), Pickle Juice (1/2 cup), Butter (1/4 stick), 4 Pigeon Egg Whites, Small Red Potato (1), Mayonnaise (1 tbs.), Apple Juice (1 cup), Whole Coffee Beans (1/4 cup), Ground Pepper (optional), Chocolate shavings (optional).

1. Preheat a large skillet at medium high heat.
2. Place 7 beef bullion cubes in skillet and heat for 38.3 seconds. Remove from heat.
3. Immediately pour in 1/2 cup of pickle juice. Add ground pepper as desired. Stir with an emery board either until the emery board turns a deep green color or until half the pickle juice evaporates. Soak up the remaining substance with a clean sponge.
4. Place 1/4 stick of butter on top of sponge and microwave sponge for 45 seconds.
5. Remove sponge and wring into a glass jar containing egg whites from 4 pigeon eggs. Sprinkle in chocolate shavings as desired. Do not stir! Pour into ice cube trays and freeze overnight.
6. In the morning, peel 1 small red potato. (Save the peels for later.) Using a fine cheese grater, grate the entire potato into a large tumbler.
7. Add 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise to smooth texture. Stir.
8. Add one cup of room temperature apple juice and 1/4 cup of whole coffee beans. Let steep for 4 minutes.
9. With fingers, remove the coffee beans, being careful not to remove potato gratings.
10. Pour contents into a pot and bring to a boil. Let cool for 3 minutes, then pour contents back into tumbler.
11. Add ice cubes prepared the night before. Garnish with saved potato peels for a presentational panache.
12. Invite your friends to enjoy this delectable beverage!!